| Two steps to the malady. |
[21 Jun 2006|03:58am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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I'm dying.
No, seriously.
I think I got food poisoned. I'm puking my guts out. And my stomach is trying to eat my body. It hurts so fucking much.
It's 4 am and my stomach hurts so bad I can't sleep.
I.
Am.
Dying.
Let me rephrase that:
I AM DYING. so could someone please send me some chicken soup??
xo
Sasha.
ps.
This is probably bad karma for being bitchy about his work schedule. In that case: I'm sorry. Ignore the xanga post. =(
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| My big dreams |
[10 Jun 2006|12:24am] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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Pretty self explanatory. |
] |
SO, I'm listening to Konstantine by SoCo and it pretty much melts me everytime. The piano in the intro makes me mellow and I fall apart in every single word. I guess people would say, "How cliche. She likes Konstantine, too. WOWOWOW big surprise there." It's more than that. It carries a story that still keeps writing in itself.
So, pretty much every relationship has its ups and downs. We had an up, then a major down. That down time broke me apart in so many ways I couldn't even breathe sometimes. Oh hell yes you can feel your heart breaking. I felt mine breaking every time I thought about him. Which was pretty much every other second. So, here I was, hating myself, hating [let's name her Nohbodie], and trying to hate him. So let's go even farther back so you'll be in sync with me.
Nohbodie and I were best friends. It was a truly inscrutable kind of friendship because not only did we not talk to each other, we hardly saw each other. Yet, we remained best friends and every now and then I'd call her up and make plans to see a movie or something. I had known him for a couple of years by then. He insisted on meeting Nohbodie because he wanted to know my friends better. I was weary of introducing them but he found a way. Thus, Nohbodie meets Michael. I was kind of glad they met--they hit it off pretty well. My best friend and the guy that completely stole my heart(a secret then, of course) were getting along and we become a threesome of mutual friends.
Michael and I were apparently never going to come out and admit we had these mushy, touchy, lovesick feelings for each other so he confided in her, to which, I confided to her myself. In an instant we were completely swept away, he and I. Then he learned of a major betrayal I had let live for many, many months and he was a little pissed. Okay, a lot pissed. Oddly enough? I ended up telling him about my feelings, he as well, and that was the first real relationship between us. Romantic, that is. Unfortunately on one Tuesday evening he put me to a test. To see how much I thought of our relationship. I was shy, really shy. I failed. It was over.
Simple words put a period to that span of short-lived bliss. Mixed signals, that is. Majorly mixed. So, while I was thinking of ridiculous ways to shut myself out of everyone's life and probably lusted over the thought of "teen-angst i wanna kill myself" shit. Yeah, we do it. We never mean it. But we try. Anyway, in the meantime he was slowly getting closer and closer to Nohbodie. The same best friend I had told--every day since the awkward break-up--all my feelings to. That I was still in love. That I was sad. That I still wanted him back. She said she understood. She wished us well. She hoped things got better. I was fucking duped. I was lied to. That I would find out later.
You see, what was actually happening was that my friend was seeping into Michael's life. Slipping into my place. It was betrayal, all right. I can't give her any excuses. What was I gonna do? She FUCKING KNEW how I felt. She knew she was hurting me. And he and she kept this from me. Their relationship. I wasn't stupid, though. I recognized the signs. I did some reading and re-reading and studying and it was right in front of me: They were together but refused to let me know. So, casually, I mentioned a little this, a little that, and got them defensive. I needed to confirm it--I got my confirmation. I died. My heart stopped. My lungs collapsed. I was cold and alone and royally pissed. But I never once thought to attack them. Instead, I attacked myself. Brought up old habits, sulked, drowned myself in self-pity and emo songs. Last June, it was. June 2005.
I started suffocating myself in line after line of songs that spoke revenge and heartbreak and love and lust and betrayal and I took all my anger out on silly little poems that had me a victim. Konstantine was one of those songs I lived for. I listened to it day in and day out. Over and over again. It broke my heart. It was our story. In a way, metaphorically, it was OUR story. Our song. I cried like a fucking idiot and I listened to Konstantine. Funny, huh? I don't know. I mentioned the song, they both downloaded it. Nohbodie wasn't fond of the song. Michael fell in love. That gave me some sort of hope. He was still connected to me. We both felt it. We both knew it.
Soon it was back to old ways with a new twist and a new fire and this time we knew for sure it was love. NOTHING was going to come between that. That was July 2005. We've been strong since. As for Nohbodie? We saw through her. I have a blurry relationship with her. She isn't his favorite person. By far. But you know what? He and I are in love.
In fact, we're engaged.
And what now? I'll let you see for yourself on September 15, 2007.
My story has a happy ending: Unshakable love. It has a theme song: Konstantine by Something Corporate. It has a time: 11:11. It has main characters: Michael and Sasha.
xoxo
Sasha.
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| Attraction Distraction. |
[26 May 2006|06:48pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Wonderwall by Oasis |
] |
And what a nice distraction he is! We're talking about my amazing fiance, of course. I haven't updated anything, made plans with friends, read, watched movies, etc. I'm ohso swamped in lovely little thoughts of lust, love, and the delight of being in his arms and having my lips pressed to his and tasting the yummy sweetness of each small kiss and the bliss of every day life with him. Of course, there's times like today where I'm going crazy with not talking to him. I suppose he has a busy schedule or something happened or maybe he just needs a breather but hell, it STILL grasps my heart and lungs and suffocates me and worries me and makes a million thoughts flood my mind of where he is what he's doing who he's doing and this and that and this and that andf dlfkadsfkl;dfas;fdlkasdl;kja IT'S CRAZY. But, I trust him honestly, whole-heartedly and completely. So, what did I do today? I painted my nails and read three pages from a book: Lust. and I installed-uninstalled-reinstalled-broke my Sims game. I'm so anxious right now. And I have major sexual frustration. I planned to surprise my baby with a naughty conversation and a little playtime this morning but tha bitch didn't call me. I NEED to get up and go somewhere. I'm dying for some fun. I want THAT fun. But, I suppose I'll occupy myself with something else. I think I'm going to go get some clothes on and grab my pack of menthols and head on out the door, into my car, hit reverse, and drive the fuck out of this place. And go next door. To my sister's house. Down the road. *grins*
ANYWAY.... I wanted to share some kind of lovely introspective thought on here but I'm kind of lazy so.... I think I'll go do that. Update later!
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| In short... |
[25 May 2006|05:02pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
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music |
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Himerus and Eros by The Spill Canvas |
] |
So, I have melted chocolate all over the seats in my car. I think the big man hates me.
I guess it's pretty obvious that Starbucks hasn't taken over the world yet. THIS IS A BAD THING. I need some love in a cup and the closest SB is in Nashville, I think. Anywho, I have to pick up an order for my mom at Anne's Diner so that should be peachy. I haven't hung out with my friends for a week, I'm trying to free up 7 days to spend with my wonderful, amazing man. We whore the phone like no other. Um, I've been drinking a lot of diet drinks because my parents are diabetic and I usually don't drink soft drinks but they bought cans. And cans are easier to open than holding the glass under the "Water" feature on the refridgerator. I'll have no brain in 3 years, thanksmuchly.
I'm in love.
Sasha.
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| A new beginning. |
[19 May 2006|09:24am] |
I haven't really kept up with this, but then again, I haven't kept up with anything online. I'd like to get this up and running again. It's a new summer and time for a new beginning. I'll keep you posted.
Sasha.
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| New American Classic By Taking Back Sunday |
[01 Aug 2004|07:28pm] |
You've got to get better.
Say it's all in your head.
We could live through these letters
Or forget it all together.
See the months they don't matter.
It's the days I can't take
When the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away.
Just ask the question.
Come untie the knot.
Say you won't care,
say you won't care.
Retrace the steps
As if we forgot.
Say you won't care,
Say you won't care.
We try to avoid it,
But there's not a doubt,
And there's one thing I can do nothing about.
Well all that we need is just a reaction,
It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore
If chasing our dreams is just a distraction,
I want to remember when I know that I can't go back.
Just ask the question.
Come untie the knot.
Say you won't care,
say you won't care.
Retrace the steps
As if we forgot.
Say you won't care,
Say you won't care.
We try to avoid it (Try to avoid it),
But there's not a doubt,
And there's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing about.
(Finally)
Just ask the question (Just ask the question).
Come untie the knot.
Say you won't care,
Say you won't care.
And retrace the steps (Retrace the steps)
as if we forgot.
Say you won't care.
Say you won't care.
We try to avoid it (Try to avoid it),
But there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing about.
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muted_faith's journal